Keeping It Together Can Be Hard

Do you ever feel like you are losing you mind? If yes, does this feeling ever last for a month or more? Well, (I say with a seasoned chuckle) this happens to me every other month and lasts for about three months. That's right, do the math...I feel like a crazy person approximately all of the time. So, assuming that I'm not alone in this (because if I am alone I don't think I can take it--so please just humor me), I decided to write some helpful hints for dealing with stressful situations. Ready? Here we go.

1. Do you have too many books cluttering your house? Well, simply gather the ones you don't want anymore, stuff them in a bag, and leave by them the front door for three weeks, telling yourself each time you trip over them that you will take them to the used book store as soon as you have a moment to breathe. If you're lucky, your dogs will help you out, like this:

Magadoo, sitting happily atop her pile of ruin.

Notice the shredded pages all around her? Yes, the darling took it upon herself to eat some of those pesky books--that's two fewer books I need to worry about schlepping to the store! Score! Look closely at her face. Here is what she is communicating with that sweet little smirk:

Maggie: "Hey, Amy. Remember that time this morning when you had to get to work early, and you didn't take me for a walk? Yeah? Ringing any bells? Well, I ate your books. That's right. Now go get the leash."

And that, my friends, is how you deal with excess clutter. Situation handled.

2. Is one of your best friends having surgery? Okay, I have the perfect solution. Forget about it! Just completely let it slip your mind, then call her the day after for a nice little chat. When she sounds groggy, and not quite herself, you can tease her for drinking at 10:00 in the morning. Then, when she says, "Oh no, it's just the pain killers for my surgery," you can sit silently for a full 30 seconds, really soaking in the guilt until it feels like it will crush your bones. Once you are saturated in your shame, beg for forgiveness, then ply her with gifts. You're welcome.

3. Do you keep getting letters from your insurance company requesting proof that you repaired a hole in the ground next to your house, but you can't really provide proof other than to say "I took dirt from another part of the yard, and put it in the hole until it was nice and filled,"? Don't even sweat it. Just put the letter on top of your bill box with all the other important documents that you don't know how to address, and ignore it. What are they gonna do? Cancel your home owners insurance? (Laughing)I don't think so...oh, wait...

4. Finally, do you feel like you have just way too many things to do in any given day? No problem! Just make a list, like this:

See how simple that is? All you have to do is follow the list, and mark off the items as you complete them! Genius!

Ahh, helpful hints are great! You know what's even more helpful? Knowing that it's okay to take the occasional trip to Crazy Town, as long as you come back. Things get so chaotic, but it helps me to remember that the world will keep right on going, and so will I. Treat your day like a rousing game of Duck Hunt on Nintendo. Know that you'll get a few, but some will fly away and then a dog will come out of the bushes and laugh at you. It's okay. Celebrate the hits, and save the misses for tomorrow. I wish everyone knew how much wisdom there is to be had in the original Duck Hunt.